Jean Illsley Clarke - WE Newsletter Issue 41, Volume 7 Self- esteem is the gift of love most of us would like to be able to give our children - the children we parent or teach or care about. We want our children to have self-confidence and to know that they are lovable. Some days we aren't sure how to do that. Some days our own self-esteem is low and we wonder how to give what we do not have. Like yesterday, when I did something I hated when my parents did it and I vowed that I would never do it. But I did, because the old ways is "bred-in-the-bone" and I fall back on it when I am unsure of myself or when I have lost sight of other options. So what are my options? How can I build my internal resources?
Or you say "If I haven't been giving it I will feel guilty or hopeless." Don't fret! Forgive yourself and start today. Human beings have an amazing ability to fill in what they did not get earlier. Or you say, "My children know that I love them," or "I tell them every week; isn't that enough?" Partly. We need to say it in lots of different ways. And children learn more from what we do than from what we say. "OK, Ok," you say. "I'm willing to say it and do it in new ways, but how?" I love you. Period. First of all, practice saying "I love you" without any double standards (When, if, until, as long as, except when, etc.) Just plain "I love you." Period. My mother used to say, "I love you when you are good." Then she didn't tell me how to be good! "I love you," period is the way we help our children get past some of the "I love you when..." double standards that we experienced. Love is unconditional. Love is. All of the wens and ifs link love to approval and have caused some of us adults to doubt that straight unconditional love even exists. But it does, and as we feel it for our children, we can start to reclaim some of it for ourselves. We can practice in the shower saying "I love myself, I love myself, I love myself," until it feels comfortable. We can let all of the old "I love you when you take care of me, " and "I love you if you keep the family secrets," messages run down the drain and leave us with the pure, clean love that we want to offer our kids. But don't we ever say anything more than I love you? Yes, indeed. There are specific love messages or affirmations that we offer to let children know that we love them unconditionally and that we are glad they are doing the developmental tasks that they need to be doing for their age and stage. The "Love Affirmations" are:
They say "I love you and its okay with me that you are doing your developmental tasks." For more information about developmental affirmations: CLICK HERE
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Moms, what is your inner coach telling you? When I was young, there was a jingle for a perfume commercial that went like this, “I bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you’re a man because I am a woman.” It still plays in my mind. How is that for programing a mother’s inner coach? Subconsciously it programed how I defined being a good mother and wife. When I was balancing it all, I would literally sing the song to myself to celebrate the power of being a wife and mother. However, that way of being is not sustainable or helpful. It made me feel less than when I couldn’t be all things. Everyone else’s needs came before mine. This often left me with little time for myself. It wasn’t until I was helping my 10-year-old son learn that it was OK to know what he needed and he could ask for help that things started to change. I would practice different ways of showing and saying to my son, “You can know what you need and ask for help. Your needs are important.” I made it a daily habit. What I realized from offering those messages day after day is that my son was not the only one that needed them. The Developmental Affirmations started to replace the “I can do it all” jingle as my inner coach. Instead of bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan, I began to hear, “You can be powerful and ask for help at the same time. You can think before you say yes or no and learn from your mistakes and that I am a loveable mother just the way I am.” This month is dedicated to mothers as we explore our inner coaches and while our needs met. Which Developmental Affirmation would help you find the balance between your needs, your family’s needs, and community needs? |
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This is a collaborative blog brought to you by the Parent Coach Connection Team and special guests. |